Monthly Archives: May 2008

Oh-ful

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I discovered the fan service-dominated but deeply written anime Ikki Tousen, and after hours of extreme Japanese teen titillation – heavy on the camel toes, more so than tits ironically – needed some reality re-immersion.

Her gynarchic-majesty, God-Empress of Vagina, Oprah the First was having one of those shows were they take average middle-aged women depressed over being average and middle-aged and play Barbie Super Model dress up with them, to demonstrate Winfrey‘s Jesus-eclipsing divinity. To help mourn the pussy power these ladies used to have in their youth, she and Carson queerest of the queer eyes used flattering bras, clothing, and photography to show them that they’re still fuck-able. Ironically, by making them as superficially sexy as the characters in that spank-your-wank anime.

I’m in no way opposed to the fostering of cougarship, “Can’t get knocked up, horny, curvy and not looking for love in exchange for boring conversation, resentment from your kids and stretch marks? DEAL!” O moments are still “OoooH!” moments, especially with the lights turned out.

Isn’t this re-sexification just scraping barnacles off a sinking ship though, as opposed to the spiritual welding and holistic hull patching Oprah usually peddles? 

Her highness can afford the industrial-strength cosmetic messiahs that keep her looking … palatable, but what are these old girls gonna do when they get home — besides become even more dependant on the show‘s sponsors? A couple of times catching their husband glancing with quiet, miserable yearning at one of these tight young Scarletts, Jessicas (any of the three), or Lindsays will knock her right back down, and cause the weight to go up. Their only consolations will be chocolate and Mo’nique’s horridly bitter anti-fitness “comedy“.

Years ago I read Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth - yes, I AM worldly! It gave the view that the pursuit of physical perfection is the biggest shackle that man ever put on woman, like a burkha for the soul — but sad and stressful not just hot and itchy … and Smelly? It’s kind of sad that this major cultural iconess uses the same formula, but how else would her dynastic rule be financed — sell’in syrup?

 Oprah does do good things, or at least good intentioned things. This is I believe her doing the best she can in a system she dominates, but doesn’t RUN. A third of her shows are about female growth, the other two third slang’in them products. The Man is a MUTHAFUCKA!

Wouldn’t just having fuglier girlfriends solve the problem? Worked for Gail.

Funny Folk

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Comedians: the only people left that can speak the truth and not be labeled a traitor, insensitive, or idiots. In obvious ways I aspire to be like them, but I trade the embarrassment of making an ass of myself in public — accept for when I’m drink’in — for the obscurity of being one deranged voice in the twisted sea of Internet crackpots.

Despite the job title, not all are funny. Even more troubling, fame doesn’t always follow the talent; and eerily, most aren’t lookers – so what fuck’in beauty are they bringing to be beheld? Jessica Alba can stare at a web cam — and FAIL to do that right, 1:05 – yet get 4 million hits. Let Joan Rivers do that. You’d get 3.5 million vomit drenched monitors, 450 thousand cosmetic surgery cancellations and 50 thousand conspiracy nuts claiming to have video footage of a real alien. Have old girl do her routine, we’ll be entertained for hours — or until she dies, whichever comes first.

Hopefully, Mo’nique goes first. I am sick of this burly bitch. You’re OK with your weight — we GET IT. Morbidly obese woman can be sexy — DEBATEABLE. I’m a confessed voluptuophile, but it has a limit: when your waist is wider than your hips — and don’t keep moving the waistline higher, I GOT EYES!! For being repetitive and bitter, may the goddess Diabetess amputate Mo’nique’s head first.

Carlos Mencia has got an ego bigger than Mo’Nique’s ass for no damn reason. Is he proud of filling the schedule slot Chappelle walked away from, filling in beaner for nigger jokes? I heard he’s a material thief but haven’t been able to sit through a whole set or show of his, so I can‘t say. His delivery looks and sounds a lot like Lewis Black’s angry-at-the-world style. Is he even Mexican? I’m just waiting for the vid clip of Joe “Sleeper-hold” Rogan putting him down, as his career is now mostly UFC commentator and crusader against Mencia since making people drink rat-milkshakes dried up.

George Lopez is as funny as he is Mexican. I paused on his sitcom to get a look at his wife (Constance Marie ) but stayed for the funny. His insights are into observation of culture shared by Latinos, blacks, maybe all poor folks — mas puto is universal. Although he does silly takes, it’s not overdone like Martin Lawrence used to do. WHACHA!: the Mexican WHASSSUP. No putting on a full wig and costume to do a ghetto/fat/Latina woman impression, voice and facial expression are enough thanks very much.Tina Fey, Bizarro Mo’Nique, redeems the ladies. Yeah, I didn’t think Baby Mama was great, but nor was it … mule dick. I bet if she wrote the whole movie it would’ve been Apatow funny. Exhibit A is 30 Rock. Every character on there is funny in a different way, especially Tracy Morgan — whom is funny by a different way from most humans. Is he … REALLY …on crack? Dunno. It is occurring to me that just about every lady comic I dig is from SNL. Except for Sarah Silverman, the over the top politically-HEINOUS (not just incorrect) retarded-acting Jewsess of my dreams. She does seem to push too hard though — that’s what she’d say, about me.  

Andy Dick … MAS PUTO!

 

Self-Spoiling Psychosis

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I met with Tech Henchman Hunin, the Webmaster of the Dominion and funny-looking guy in the forums, yesterday. He’s reading my recent articles and giving his impressions, since comments are still on the low side and I require CONSTANT adoration. While reading, he starts going, “What?” “WHAT?!?” “NO WAY!” I’m thinking some insight of mine has wowed him, it’s not uncommon for me. He turns to me like I told him the Easter Bunny was dead, “You LIKED the new Indiana Jones?!” I affirm, and asked his opinion.

“It was MULE DICK.”I personally find that animal organ impressive, if not desirable, but Hunin appeared to be using it negatively.Essentially, like many other dissatisfied moviegoers you’ve read on the Internet – whom have been caressing their nipples to lactation for the past 19 years in anticipation of this, it didn’t meet his expectations. Actually, it supposedly did. He expected a bad flick and got one, yet there was venom to his critique suggesting that he failed to really lower them. In the ensuing debate I was labeled delusional for being able to follow the plot. “It was 80 times worse than Temple of Doom.” By the end, only his excellent maintenance of this site … stayed my wrathful hand. (I revised this last description 18 times before calming down from the initial Di99 SMAAA$H!1!1

Self-Spoiling Psychosis (SSP) is when our own beliefs about something ruin the perception of its actuality — leading cause of movie dissatisfaction and divorce. It’s not a proper medical term, and likely can be better described, but it’s the title so I’ve got to mention it — fuck you I‘m not changing the title. I went to go see an Indiana Jones movie and that’s what I got. I didn’t expect to see Raiders of the Lost Ark — which I loved as a six year old — or a coming of age drama about a young lesbian in Belfast, Ireland set during the 60’s.I got a finale to the series that tied in elements of the original and delivered style, characterization, pacing, and action in line with that of the 1981 groundbreaker and it‘s series of sequels. Blanchett’s villainess wasn’t very deep, like Beloq and the black-wearing Nazi torture guy in glasses were so multi-faceted. Falling out of an airplane in an inflatable raft, sliding down a ragged mountain, and then falling off a cliff — damn that’s realistic! Monkey spies that seig heil Hitler, obscure historical fact. Spielberg and Lucas using a lot of CGI in an action movie, SHIT-WHATTA SHOCKER!“So Digg, you must’ve liked Phantom Menace, the Indy 4 of Star Wars?” HEEEEELLLS no! That movie was FAR more of a departure from what the saga established, I claim no SSP on that. I could elaborate, but we’ll cover it in the future. Suffice to say just getting this off my chest will better let me endure the sea of moaning adult babies I’d like to pacify with a fist … SM@$H!!11

Designs of the Dominion: Dancing with the Starships

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You game, you like sci-fi; eventually the two will meet. After my short-lived creative genre crisis, I’ve fastened to space opera again — though now a new crisis has arisen: am I a fool for liking Indy IV ?!?! (We’ll cover this later) Starships are as essential to the setting as laser battles, exotic aliens, and midi-chlorians … nah, still can’t swallow them, and therefore become a Jedi?

One of the first systems for this I dealt with was Alternity Sci-Fi RPG’s Starships supplement. Twenty-nine pages of telling you how to do space travel in your stories — in case you’ve never seen Star Trek, stupid — and EVERYTHING associated with it. I’ll give them props for laying out all the options, but there’s a section on realistic 3D vector combat that shows you how to calculate relativistic time dilation — really, that‘s fun? Then we’ve got Twenty-eight pages on actually designing your chariot to the stars ROOM by ROOM — like Queer Eye for the smuggler guy – with a choice of ONE HUNDRED and THIRTY ONE different sub-systems to buy, not including manufacturer warranty — cause if your having adventures no sane business will cover ya.

“I like the kick of an Antimatter reactor, but Dark Matter Collectors are cheaper to run; but, in a pinch I may not have enough mass at the moment to induce star fall. Still, with the Texasian occupation of Uranus Ring antimatter prices are up to 75 kilo-yen per mega-gram! Why not just dip my BALLS IN CARBONITE!?”

Fuck that. Han Solo was able to have kids, but why risk it? On the opposite side is Spirit of the Century Pulp RPG’s take on vehicles, which feature a toughness rating and speed rating … that’s it, a paragraph. They include rules on gimmicking up gadgets that can be applied to all devices but it’s all very light, too light in some ways. If an X-Wing has 4 toughness slots, does a Star Destroyer have 400? Let’s add some more. Speed is already done for us. Good speed is better than Average speed, duh.

Yoda: “With the Force, size matters not; but SURE as SHIT helps a big ship does.” Going by the Description Ladder we can grade a number of ship sizes but without the need for precise geometric progression:

Average size would be the smallest in the neighborhood of 10m, an SUV to a Rebel Alliance A-Wing — the starfighter category.

Fair would be the next step: The Falcon, A Boeing 747, The Serenity from Firefly you’re general tens of meters range.

Good can represent the lower hundreds of meters for your Klingon Birds of Prey, Rebel Alliance Blockade runners, and THE Space Battleship Yamato/Argo (265m).

Great is your half-kilometer monster – some icons live here: Moya from Farscape, The Battlestar Galactica, and Sovereign class NCC-1701-E Enterprise.

Superb are the 1 to a few klicks mamas: The SDF-1, Imperial Star Destroyer, and Babylon 5 Vorlon Cruiser.

Fantastic scale, we dont see a whole lot of it as it composes the general “We’re Fucked!” category: Borg Cube, Super Star Destroyer, Independence Day City Killer (without Norton Anti-Virus)

My idea on handling the size difference — besides Yoga’s suggestion above – is to have the smaller ships accuracy and evasion raised by the difference, but a large ship doubles the damage dealt and halves the damage taken per difference. So, The Falcon (Fair size) against a Star Destroyer (Superb) gets +3 to hit and to evade the Imperial ship, but the damage shifts it deals are divided by 6 (2 x 3) to affect the Destroyer’s stress and if the Imps hit the Falcon by 1, it’ll take 6 damage!

All ships start with Average speed, their size, and 3 to 4 stress slots. Like any character in fiction we add detail to make them distinction. Spirit gives us suggestions for modifications to add in it’s Improving Things rules, plus we can feel out some specifically starship packages.

Ships will also have Aspects like characters, which give 4 pts for upgrades above the Average standard and a FATE point for dramatic license. Take the Deep Space Nine Napoleonic nightmare Defiant class escort.

Had we stuck with Alternity’s system you’d need to read FIFTY-SIX more posts like this one. I know you would, but I don’t want to write that much. And, I’ve got a movie to re-watch.

Popular Popularity Contests

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TV competitions are as common as political opinion, many with judgments twice as biased. What draws me is the comparison of superior to inferior skill, the heart of a true contest. What turns me off is when half way through it becomes a popularity contest — where skill takes a backseat to cuteness or likeability. Welcome back to high school, SUCKAS!

The biggest victim — pun not intended, this time — of this appeal to mediocrity is Jennifer Hudson. That she got voted off American Idol in the top seven and is now an Oscar winner whom out sang Beyonce, in what was supposed to be her movie, gave me all the justification I‘ll ever need to continue NOT watching this “talent” show. Pop isn’t even drunk by me, let alone poured into my ears. Also, I could never see why Paula Abdul was a judge — aside from her cougar’s thirst for young men’s seed. Really, was Taylor Dayne busy?

Simon “Sir Chesty Chesterson” Cowell, perhaps the most insightful judge given his actual success in the industry, is seen as a cruel bitchy bad guy — black nipple-tight tee instead of traditional black hat. That he disagrees so often with audience is a sign of taste, not assholarity. The same folks who faithfully call in to decide the next idol wouldn’t vote for who’d lead this country, so the candidates go trolling there. I wonder when Hilary is going on to sing “Stand by your Man”.

Dancing with the Stars isn’t perhaps as popularity biased, since they continue to factor in pro judges’ scores, but their casting is a bit freakish. Let’s put Kristi Yamaguchi, whom has won dozens of awards for essentially dancing on ICE, versus Marlee “I’ve never heard a song in my life” Matlin. WHAT … THE … FUCK! Are we subtly comparing Asia rhythm to that of the deaf? Can we handicap — yep, intended — the Oscar winner 10 damn points … please?

Professional dancer/singer Mario slides out of Chris Brown’s shadow to compete against Elvis’ widow?!?! How many millions tuned in Season 4 to see Heather Mills’ leg fly off and kick a fan go-go gadget style? Can’t this just be about … I don’t know, TALENT and not the promise of humiliation nor the chance to see Marie Osmond die?

I’d guess we were running out of stars but soon Dancing will start casting Idol cast-offs, and Dancing losers will begin to re-ignite their careers by going on Idol. When that happens, don’t be surprised if the show is briefly interrupted by the FUCK’IN APOCALYPSE!

Prince Jones and the Crystal Skull of Caspian

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My rediscovery of Star Blazers has been putting sci-fi themes in my head and inspiring new games to come. I‘ve been hammering out some FATE ship design rules on RPG.net this week, which has received praise from role-playing geek net posters. You know you’ve got something great when folks don’t post much in reply — stunned in awe at the elegance of beautiful design — at least that’s how I read it.

Taking a break, I checked out the new movie of the Chronicles of Narnia series, Prince Caspian. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was good for an amped up fairy tale. Gruff-talking English beavers, gnome-like dwarves with their wittle daggers were adorable. Child victims of WWII were getting the chance to fight evil on their scale and learning about themselves in the process. I considered it’s niche to be a Lord of the Rings for kids, albeit with a bit of an edge you get from a lion eating a woman‘s face at the climax.

Prince Caspian was a full fairy tale war story. Narnia obvious grew up into a grim place where feudal plots threaten the wonder and even rats whip ass. Lion Jesus and coldly cruel step-mama-like queen take a backseat to the kids, whom arrive like salty veterans. Night infiltrations, heavy casualties, dueling kings, an actual dungeon siege — DAMN! There was a scene where inexplicably Poseidon was summoned, but I’m sure that was explained in Lewis’ original story. Overall, it makes me want to READ THE BOOK, no small compliment from Lord Lame Library.

Now fantasy is on the brain, with political plots and sword clashes, then I see the new Indiana Jones finale. Utterly blown the fuck away!

Pulse-pounding Pulp is so rare in theaters you forget it’s appeal until it’s back in your face again. Revenge of the Sith was the last great I can name — and it took big G three tries. Teamed up with Spielberg again, Lucas makes movie magic. Can Steven make a bad movie? I defy you to name one, but on this one he really outdid himself to end the series. I shutter to think at how many humanities majors are going to be changed to Archeology. Global stakes, mysterious artifacts of amazing power, jungle chases, anciently exotic locales, BIG FUCK’IN ANTS; or, teaching high school English? I don’t think you can ask for more from an action flick, and not since Rocky Balboa has movie franchise gone out with such quality.

I’ve got EPIC Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Pulp Action all swirling around my skull now vying for creative birth. I’m gonna lay down now.

 

Net Ninjas

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The Internet was created by Al Gore, the great techno-democrat lord whose enemies even bow to honor him, to share learning across great distances quickly. Since getting fully online, I’ve used it for just that: offering my wisdom to friends and my sagely gaming insights to fellow GM’s seeking aid. Most times my beneficence is repaid with gratitude, as it should be for any FREE service. A few times though I’m reminded that this vast network is home to many arrogant OTAKU ASSHOLES!

With just an avatar and a login name, ordinary people gain the mask of a concealing persona to let their inner evil emanate into the virtual world. I’ve witnessed and been party too more than a few flame wars in my time. I read through them to harvest any witty lines I may want to use in real life, cause unlike Neo I’m a bad ass outside of the Matrix: six foot one and muscularly barrel-chested, ladies may leave you’re contact info on the forums (personal pics MANDATORY).

Wit is never there for the poaching however. 90% of the time the cause of the conflict is over subjects too stupid to waste breath on. The old maxim holds true: “Arguing on the Internet is like racing in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded.” From this, many want to carry their malice from the virtual to actual — like this DUMBASS. Conversely, other sick fucks choose real life targets to cowardly attack on the net — like this cruel old BITCH. I hope she enjoys the connections to be made in a Federal prison, and forcibly uploads many fists into her raggedly wrinkled router.

Education, entertainment, recreational escapism, intimate video clips of beautiful woman (OVER 18!) that you don’t have the time – money – or charm to meet in real life: THIS is what Big Al had in mind. Not this cheap ass character assassination.