All comic book geeks have participated in the classic “X would hand Y his ass” debates ad nauseum; I myself feel woozy just at the memories of mine. Batman versus Captain American, Superman vs. Silver Surfer, Professor Xavier vs. Commissioner Gordon (the shortest).

I’ve recently seen Iron Man, and following it’s focus on characterization — like all other supers flicks of the last decade — I’m looking at Tony “I’m RICH ,bitch” Stark  versus his DC counterpart Bruce “the most BITTER orphan in the world” Wayne.

I admit to not being a comic geek lord master and ink-stained commander– I’ve got some Spawn and X-Men, but only the movie/TV worthy major figures have hit my radar. Iron Man has never had the Bat’s fame.

Stark, to my mind, was essentially Donald Trump in a Robocop outfit. So, I was therefore much impressed with  Rob Downey’s  portrayal; ironically, sans technical skill and $100 thousands not billions, he IS Tony Stark — no large stretch. Favreau (the very money director) was going for a realistic personality as opposed to Nolan’s focus on Wayne’s depth of character. Although, suspension of disbelief is stretched to the ultra thinness of Hilary Clinton’s facial muscles at the premise of a Republican feeling regret for his war-generated profits.  

Bruce Wayne is an emo-goth that pretends to be like Stark but actually is a brooding ninja 24/7. Since he focuses it into ass-kick’in as opposed to dark poetry is his saving grace. Christian Bale is just about as perfect in this role as Downey is in his. From the scrappy orphan in Empire of the Sun to his stoically passionate Grammaton Cleric in Equilibrium, he seems to have been steering himself towards the bat cave from a young age. What Bale does in between movies is a mystery …

Overall, Iron Man is good a appetizer to the main event in July.

In a fight: Iron Man does repulse, rend, and explodify major hind parts, but Batman is a FUCK’IN NINJA (too hard to kill). Stark can blow up the Bat cave and stately Wayne Manor. You know though that as soon as he rolls over off his pile of coked-out strippers that night Bat’s is gonna to be standing right there.

“That was my FATHER’S HOUSE!!!!!” *splortch* Heart light goes out like E.T.’s.

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