TV competitions are as common as political opinion, many with judgments twice as biased. What draws me is the comparison of superior to inferior skill, the heart of a true contest. What turns me off is when half way through it becomes a popularity contest — where skill takes a backseat to cuteness or likeability. Welcome back to high school, SUCKAS!

The biggest victim — pun not intended, this time — of this appeal to mediocrity is Jennifer Hudson. That she got voted off American Idol in the top seven and is now an Oscar winner whom out sang Beyonce, in what was supposed to be her movie, gave me all the justification I‘ll ever need to continue NOT watching this “talent” show. Pop isn’t even drunk by me, let alone poured into my ears. Also, I could never see why Paula Abdul was a judge — aside from her cougar’s thirst for young men’s seed. Really, was Taylor Dayne busy?

Simon “Sir Chesty Chesterson” Cowell, perhaps the most insightful judge given his actual success in the industry, is seen as a cruel bitchy bad guy — black nipple-tight tee instead of traditional black hat. That he disagrees so often with audience is a sign of taste, not assholarity. The same folks who faithfully call in to decide the next idol wouldn’t vote for who’d lead this country, so the candidates go trolling there. I wonder when Hilary is going on to sing “Stand by your Man”.

Dancing with the Stars isn’t perhaps as popularity biased, since they continue to factor in pro judges’ scores, but their casting is a bit freakish. Let’s put Kristi Yamaguchi, whom has won dozens of awards for essentially dancing on ICE, versus Marlee “I’ve never heard a song in my life” Matlin. WHAT … THE … FUCK! Are we subtly comparing Asia rhythm to that of the deaf? Can we handicap — yep, intended — the Oscar winner 10 damn points … please?

Professional dancer/singer Mario slides out of Chris Brown’s shadow to compete against Elvis’ widow?!?! How many millions tuned in Season 4 to see Heather Mills’ leg fly off and kick a fan go-go gadget style? Can’t this just be about … I don’t know, TALENT and not the promise of humiliation nor the chance to see Marie Osmond die?

I’d guess we were running out of stars but soon Dancing will start casting Idol cast-offs, and Dancing losers will begin to re-ignite their careers by going on Idol. When that happens, don’t be surprised if the show is briefly interrupted by the FUCK’IN APOCALYPSE!

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