Vin Diesel is a fully-out, loud and proud gaming geek - sadly for some readers this sentence didn’t end differently. As a gamer myself, I feel some allegiance to this big star that would never join my table group or guild should we ever cross paths, unless I run a macro so my avatar constantly shouts endorsements of his movies – and if he’s smart, definitely not then. I could do this for Pitch Black and the Chronicles of Riddick with no loss of integrity points. My Way and A Man Apart seem like they could be OK too but are still in my Diesel  queue. Pacifier, never seen nor on the list, would show that I’m kissing ass or an obtuse viewer; and Triple X says I’ve made a female avatar to marry his in game. A Babylon AD endorsement may confuse him.

One of the most frustrating things for an actor may be doing a movie to your best but getting a lame result through no fault of your own; and, now you’ve got to plug this shit everywhere. VD may have felt this, or would’ve done it for the paycheck. When I see an interview I’ll be able to discern better, but to confirm the shrewd reader: not so great a flick. 

Someone said, “Let’s do Children of Men with more of an action tilt and shoot it like Strange Days. Also, see if Vin is available.”  Either of those movies are Dominus recommended, but Babylon AD is neither, nor a good hybridization. There’s a MacGuffin character named Aurora, whom must be important because people are after her. Why? She’s mysteriously important. When they do reveal why, it’s interesting but nothing like THIS CHICK IS CARRYING THE LAST KID IN THE WORLD important. The implications are said to be global, but the world isn’t that fucked up – save for Russia/Asia which is a pet-eating stye. American just has more ads and TV channels without an off switch in this future. Would it be so bad if this miracle chick didn’t make it? 

The answer is yes if she’s important to the main character: VD and Michelle Yeoh. The Julia Roberts of Kung Fu adopted the girl as a child, so we assume there’s a bunch of touching memories connecting them. Vin wants to fuck her, understandably, but is cock-blocked by defensive surrogate Mommy without so much as a cool fight sequence. There’s a line near the mid-point after they’ve accomplished a plot goal to the effect that “Now, we’re like a family.”When a line like that is explicitly said it’s the same as the director admitting defeat on his characterization. No one in the aforementioned Diesel movies says that Riddick is a tough son of a bitch. He’s hunting the bat monsters hunting everyone else, befriending rock tigers or stabbing souls in the head – his actions define out-cold-motherfucka better than any exposition statement. Plus, with Vin and Yeoh posing as Mommy and Daddy you’d expect a chemistry between her nun-like character and this honorable merc. I’ve been spoiling for a Yeoh sex scene since the dick tease in Tomorrow Never Dies (too tame for even a clip on Youtube). No, he contemplates the baby bear’s porridge – kinda eerie.

There’s a red herring climax that’s mostly decent separated by last minute exposition from a true climax that’s anti-climactic.If you like a good action flick, there’s not quite enough here. If you’re looking for a sci-fi story, it barely meets the minimal requirements for the category.  Not a bad date movie, as it’s got thin sentimentality enough to trigger making out – which would save you from most of the problems.

Popularity: 1% [?]