111 total posts
minus 9 Dominion Casts
minus 2 Decrees
Equals: Welcome to the 100th article!!

Uh … what to write about? … er … hmmm …
What’s that reader? Where did this all begin?

(Author’s Note: The following may be greatly exaggerated)

The year was 1722; I was 25. Though a child by the standards of today, I was a man in that age; master of my own plantation, husband and father. Actually, that’s how Louie of the Vampire Chronicles begins – lots of fiction can blur your reality. It was earlier this year to late last. I was 32, though an adult by the standards of today, an adolescent by the judgment of past love interests and a few psychotherapists.

As you grow older life becomes more complex. Friends you used to see daily become available only weekly, then monthly, then when you can. The brilliant wit that has made me the “Funny Guy” of my geek clique was going to waste. Often while experiencing life’s tragic comedies, I’d mutter something snarky or clever to myself – in lieu of a friend to hear it – and was disappointed at how predictable I found my own jokes. Co-workers or acquaintances that where nearby would sometimes chuckle, mostly politely, but nearly as often merely smirk, grimace in confusion or slowly back away – like a moose from a hockey mom or a Democrat from a confrontation. (Fair & Balanced)

Hunin, through emotional attrition, was recently married and looking for new avenues on the web to generate profit. His pocket-sized dot com empire Hunin Communications – whose motto is “Buy our Shit, or We’ll Keep Asking You” – was having issues connecting to new markets. He struck upon the idea of marketing syndicated content via the blogosphere, because no one does that, and approached long time friend now junior attorney Anson to begin a blog on business and legal advice. Having never read the website, but knowing the author for years, I can assume it was as boring as watching turtle shit roll uphill on a windy day. I’d link to this blog to verify my prejudice, but the url once typed somehow reads as http://Zzzzzz.

Hunin approached me about writing a blog of my clever musing. To his surprise, I didn’t ruefully dismiss this idea as I had done with his net dating service that randomly matched people by email address and his fetish voyeur site “Cank Hound”, which posted pics of the cankles of women taken around our town. It was a mutual solution to our problems. Digg’s Dominion went up the second week of April this year in all of it’s stygian glory with an article about my personal burden of being the best DM I’ve ever met wedged between dozens of ad links. The hauntingly beautiful Rosario Dawson accepted the role of my muse and Domina, tacitly since my email to her fan site was never replied to but she accepted the gift of my betrothal ice cream sandwich.

Early problems presented themselves quickly. The white print on black with blood red fields combined with loud flashy ad links caused us to loose much of our first crop of readers to seizure induced coma and suicide from Google-themed night terrors. Many feedback emails screamed “Tone it down!!!” with attached pics of pale bloodshot-eyed fans pressing knives to their own throats. We changed around some of the lay out but didn’t get many replies from those troubled – our condolences go out to their families. Bigger issues were prominent from the start.

Our name shared similarity to the internet megalith Digg, which could send lawyers over to suspend Hunin over a royalty collecting sack and shake him broke while I denied any involvement with this blog and went back to writing in a raggedly coffee-stained notebook (Da Dominion 1.0). While recording an mp3 apology – choked with tears and pleading them not to destroy us – we found it pretty entertaining after the first take – punctuated with swearing as we squeezed lemon juice into our eyes to draw “real” tears. If we recorded talking about interesting things a new venue of content would bolster our dusty coffers. This was the birth of Dominion Cast; we’re still waiting for those large donations to reach us by mail.

Cast #1 sounded like we were taping inside the carcass of a beached whale while DM Erik shouted instructions on how to make D&D 4E characters through the ass. We keep this one in the attic, shoving bowls of gruel under the door and sending in Cast #2 -our second least favorite – to change it’s diapers. If you can locate Cast #1 and try to extort us with it’s existence a squad of secret Dominion servants – hundreds of citizens that have not officially joined us to serve as my anonymous army – will find you, download your copies of the file to CD, shatter the disk and make you eat the shards with Habenero Baboon Ass sauce. 8-10 hours later, your punishment will reach full fruition; no porcelain god will save you from the toilet magma.

A month and a half ago we did a full site revamp, adopting da Dominion as our mantle. It was a brutal ordeal for many innocents. Many web sites like DS (with DW, DQ, DX & DZ) Dominion, Ad Dominion, and others were made vassals to our realm. Many a webmaster or blogger now fears the sight of hot sauce, cushion-less chairs and know the practice of Urine Boarding first hand – none were bought out, just subject to “enhanced” persuasion. The current blog lay out has resulted in zero suicides and comas and the cool tag cloud to play with. Our forums host many entertaining opinions, purchase opportunities and the funniest vid clips regurgitated from Youtube.

What more could you ask for? Seriously. With the consolidation of our foothold on the net, many secret servants may now step forward to comment. Feedback is our fuel. We don’t have to drill for it … do we?

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