Christmas reveals the consolidated final guest list for the celebration/get-together you plan to attend. You’ve got the A-listers, family and friends, covered – hopefully – but what about those friends in-law that are showing up too? The sister’s fiancée, your brother’s college buddy from the broken home, or your aunt’s long-time “friend” that dresses butch and likes football more than you. All of these people don’t really mean much to you, but the spirit of the holidays should be spread: indebt them with a gift they’re not expecting to reap gifts from them next year.

Here are the top three “You really shouldn’t have” gifts:

Fourth Runner Up:

3. Gasoline. Gas stations are open, on the way to your destination or just around the corner so it’s great for the last moment, a gallon gift certificate. The prices are pretty low now – and they know this. Mention some news report you saw on BBC news – or some other channel few watch – about how the Oil Companies are waiting to jack back up prices once Obama gets in office and the economic crisis levels out. Remind them of Mad Max; it‘s not lying it‘s probable. Cheap, sure, but what did they get you? Co-signing the “From” tag on the gift from your real family pales next to good old Texas tea.

2. Donate in their name. Tis the season when PBS and NPR interrupts their normal informative program to beg for your support and offer DVD’s of their programs which you’ve already downloaded from the internet. Still, ya feel guilty. Kill two turtle doves with one stone by giving your usual $5 donation in their name. Now every elderly viewer that has on PBS as background noise and kids doing reports on the plight of the endangered California red-legged frog can know that they give generously. Any thank you gifts PBS sends, you keep it … nah, give it to them. It’s a cheap gift already and you have Absolute Zero: The Conquest of Cold on TiVo for yourself anyway.

1. A Vintage Book. By “vintage” I mean the oldest copy of your favorite book – the one you’ve read a dozen times already and own several different editions. This really communicates sincerity cause you actually are sharing something you’ve enjoyed – if they read similar literature. If they don’t, now is the time to introduce them to the pioneering genius of Frank Herbert’s Dune. It may open up a whole new avenue of entertainment if they don’t chuck it on the lowest level of their bookshelf or use it to level out a wobbly table. Should either of these two outcomes be likely, out of respect for the author gift them your least favorite oldest book. Demographically speaking, those that don’t like Dune may deeply love Waiting to Exhale.

Failing all these, booze works every time – but, ironically Colt 45 wouldn’t in this instance.

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