I was gonna write about the Golden Globes winners today since we’re in entertainment “journalism” – in this context meaning detailed critical commentary belly aching and bitching as is da Dominion’s mission.

It’s what the media big boys do, but then again they also report on such pressing intelligence as Barack’s mother-in-law being in the White House as though she’s going to be a loose cannon in Cabinet meetings and hunting for celebrity up skirt shots in hopes of a glance at some pastrami – that we employ these pics is evidence of their shallow frivolity, not our complicity or endorsement. I assure you my face was straight while typing that. Fer reelz, y’all.

I then learned that the endorsement of the Golden Globes is practically meaningless and just another example of airwave filler like those examples given above. Winners are chosen by members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Assoc.: a fancy moniker for the international versions of TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, or some of those lovely Indian anchorwomen on BBC – no wonder Slumdog won so many.

We don’t respect the opinion of foreign experts on which nations are worthy or unworthy of laser-guided civilian-splattering shock and awe but their tabloid press parasites’ choice of best TV Comedy is relevant? Everyone knows 30 Rock is the funniest shit on TV from our deification of Tina Fey to the Geek Pantheon.

For these reasons, I’m hereby laying out a stratified guide of accolade importance in ascending order of credence:

7. The unqualified opinion of any mother-breather you hear speak, as typified by those that believe Terminator 2 is the best movie EVER made.

6. The Golden Globes, for reasons enumerated above.

5. The Peoples’ Choice, including those affiliated with a channel like MTV, VH1 or Nickelodeon. These essentially normalize outlier stupidity in the masses buy tabulating the tastes of tons of average assholes. Any Award given from public popularity falls into this domain. Why so low on the ladder? Ever wonder why clearly lame shows are still on the air after a half dozen seasons? THEM.

4. The opinion given by a geek of the media in question, if they’ve seen the piece. Geek is about knowledge, which is power and therefore corrupting. Prejudice is acceptable from no one. Marketing is deceptive, excluding the ads of sponsors obviously, and can be faulty. Trailers alone don’t count, as evidenced by the awkwardness of Indiana Jones 4 and the mostly unnoticed coolness of Equilibrium .

3. Critics of the entertainment medium, whom are essentially so geeky about the subject they can get paid for it … the lucky bastards. Where critical opinion differs go with the one that has shared many of your opinions and is from the biggest media outlet. The Chicago Sun-Times is pretty big but me and Ebert wouldn’t hang out though we’d both date Oprah – although he did back in the … pre-Color Purple days of rotundity and jherri curl.

2. The endorsement of artists that actually are massively successful in creating the art form being considered. This covers the Oscars, the Emmys and the Grammys. These folk are nerds of their art to the point that it implodes into super coolness, or merely techs that know about lighting. The entire genre of the talk show exists just so we can speak to these people and be reminded that they are human – or just masterful in their portrayal of humanity. They can’t even take a lengthy dump without paparazzi wanting to weigh, explore the bouquet and savor the riches colors of it.

And they know their shit: Britney Spears has tons of awards at the Peoples’ Choice level and lower but never touched a Grammy.

1. Dominion approval, for obvious reasons.

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