NBC has produced a new culinary competition reality show – The Chopping Block – for its line up and is advertising it to be similar to Hell’s Kitchen (HK) on FOX with a highly skilled British asshole being the main judge. This time we have uber chef Marco Pierre White: first British chef to get three Michelin stars (a big deal in restaurants), star of UK Hell’s Kitchen, former teacher of Gordon Ramsey (like Obi Wan to Ramsey’s Anakin, but with the lava damage limited to the face) and weird food guru that speaks in fortune cooking maxims.

“If you want to run a restaurant … you must put your balls on the table”

Even if the show is called the chopping block?

“I’ve been working in restaurants for thirty years … I can smell a rat.”

You can actually hear the ellipsis, … which add drama … and gravitas … to logical statements … … … any jackass would know.

That said White isn’t really a character like Ramsey. He’s seems to be genuinely himself. He doesn’t scream at contestants and actually listens to their reasons behind fucked up serving decisions. Uber chef does have crazy hair and a penchant for suspenders but you won’t go to the hospital from the stress he presses upon you like a vice. White reminds me a bit of Donald Trump, in a good way if that’s possible. The emphasis is on professionalism rather than emotional endurance. The winners of the show get a restaurant in New York as opposed to on HK where you get a high stress prestigious job. The block has a different job goal but is of a similar format to the FOX competitor. Why not steal from a better show?

Eight couples, one cook and one server whom are related, run a restaurant across the street from another eight, two teams. The couple that gets voted off is determined by which eatery does the worst service. You can’t say the best service this early, as it’s like determining the more attractive of these two. A little warm up contest determines which team gets an advantage in service. But, just because you got $6,000 more to pretty your dining area doesn’t help when the patrons are crying over the endangered Chilean Sea Bass you’re serving. They’re soooo cute.

Why their using couples I don’t quite get. I guess because it’s a casting that works for the Biggest Loser and Deal or No Deal. There’s nothing more dramatic than a great server losing because of his can’t cook pasta brother. Relationships are sure to be broken; and, isn’t that what we all want from reality TV?

White doesn’t make all of the decisions on who gets the chop. An anonymous fine dining food critic samples both menus then comes out later in the show to emotionally rape the two teams. This judgment style is one of the things I like about Top Chef. Remember that lady whose book you read in culinary school and whose cooking show you Tivo every week? She thinks your lentil soup tastes like horse piss. Your sweet tears of angst: a decent garnish.

Overall the show isn’t very interesting. HK has cooks cracking under pressure while Ramsey screams at their stupidity for even daring to come on the show: drama. Top Chef is about culinary artistry versus the best chefs in the country judged by your personal heroes: skill. You could almost learn to cook by watching the show. The Chopping Block is mostly about the restaurant business, its poor decisions, flaky clients and crappy service. Too much opf the apprentice model, but no dumb celebs. Plus, have I mentioned how weird the star is?

I thought cherries were sexy because they refered to hymen.

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