A big plus of coming of age is that Hollywood can draw you in to see new flicks based on your childhood favorites. The downfall is having your initial hopes dashed as they completely “reimagine” the story, effectively murdering fond memories.

If you go back to the original it most likely wasn’t a masterpiece of fiction, but there’s a certain romance in your nostalgia. New updates, being guided only by fact sheets and reference notes, often have the feel of a poor eulogy given for a close friend.

One such mindfuck is G.I. Joe: The Rise of COBRA.

Casting was my first sore spot. Seeing Marlon Wayans in an action movie trailer, or really any trailer, is a red flag. As Ripcord – a joe with a specialty in piloting – we see him fly a jet once. The specialties of every member of GI Joe was a halmark of the cartoon – although often Alpine and Bazooka were out of place slapstick characters.

There was a Black character codenamed Doc – a medical expert – in the old series. Given the biological gimmick of the movie, Wayans could have played him. This is assuming one could suspend disbelief in seeing this clown as a scientist. There was another Black character called Heavy Duty whom didn’t do anything I’d call heavy duty – or much at all.

If you don’t remember or never saw the old cartoon (i. e. you’re a woman or younger than 30) this was a decent enough flick action wise. Director Stephen Sommers graduated atleast Summa Cum Laude from Bruckheimer/Bay University with a degree in Big Explosions and Car Flipping. Lots of decent CG effects and combat sequences with a lot more cursing and killing then the kid’s series.

The issues where with the plot mainly. Specifically, I missed why COBRA was going to dissolve Washington and Moscow; why they were called COBRA when MARS was stamped on everything; and, where the fuck Cobra Commander and/or Serpentor were. They got Destro’s origin story right but made the Baroness an old flame of Duke, a newb now.

I did finally learn the relationship betwen Snake Eyes and Stormshadow – and actually regretted it. Snake Eyes was mysterious. How come he doesn’t speak but has lips on his mask? In all, he was way overexposed since he was the only G.I. Joe that seemed worth a damn. They even put Duke and Ripcord in Acceleration suits to make them as cool as Snake Eyes. Yet, they weren’t. So long Eiffel Tower.

It would have been best to move the focus from him so the joe could spring up when needed suddenly – like a NINJA! The competent character I’d have made the story about him. The Duke/Baroness history with the Mindbender tie in was cliched at best.

Sadly, when you don’t have much of a story you need as much flash as possible. That’s what the Rise of COBRA was, flash in a pan.

There remains only one quality G.I. Joe movie:

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