Da Dominion – like other esteemed institutions of learning and science – holds that alien life on other worlds is statistically likely. Have they arrived? We offer a guide to IDing E.T.s (extra-terrestials):

#1. We don’t think this is an alien because it was killed by teenagers with sticks and rocks!

Where’s the laser guns and force fields? If this is the best the universe has to offer - WE WIN! Let’s blast Queen’s We are the Champions from all satellites and begin carving up the galaxy. Let those anti-reform fringers have Uranus, since their heads are already up theirs.

#2. When you think science who thinks Panama? Did the alien come to improve canal technology? If it were a new form of coffee discovered by them then we’d take notice. Even then we’d await verification from Columbia before rinsing out our mugs.

Aliens seeking to open up talks would no doubt visit New York, Washington DC or Hershey, Pennsylvania. The United Nations headquarters is in New York. The government of the most powerful country on Earth is based in DC, plus our President is composed of every race on Earth.

Hershey, PA is where they make Reese’s Pieces, and from E.T. we know aliens love them shits. But is this really an alien?

#3. Check the body against all local lifeforms. Judging just by my watching Animal Planet, it’s got claws like a sloth, which are native to Panama. Find a sloth. Catch it – this wouldn’t be very hard. You could try to stun it with sticks and rocks. Shave it then hold it next to the “alien”.

Not convinced? Get the sloth drunk until it passes out on it’s back. BINGO!

Now we get to the real problem: why are Central American teens getting sloths drunk, shaving them and taking compromising pictures?

Practicing for college parties?