If only it was that easy for us men to get jobs. We’re always being  judged by our merits, respected for our talents and giving the secret handshake we don’t let women know about. (It involves lowered pants and females can’t do it.)

Still, given I just stuck a successful interview, it’s good to go over some handy tips.

First off, its vital to realize that every being is a sexual being. Many get overlooked, especially middle-aged women like those that hold management positions in the office support field – random example. Don’t offer to break her hip, but just be sensitive to where she’s coming from. I write a blog. Oh! So does your grandson? Hit or quit bitches dot net? No, haven’t heard of it. Yes, the internet is a wonderful tool.

If that doesn’t endear her, poke that crotch out a bit. Hold your resume, notepad or stapler at waist height while maintaining eye contact. Let the old girl feel the vibe. Don’t stuff a sock down there. That’s dishonest.

Secondly, confidence is key but pride is pompous. The position usually pays 35K? I’ll take 30! There’s a recession going on – especially in southeastern Michigan.  The days of  easy gigs with livable salary and benefits are over. (Thanks, Kenyan president!) They’ve been lost to foreign workers, read slaves. As a matter of fact, show off your command of good ole English with big words. Ostensibly, such a stratagem can be miraculously  advantageous.

Last point: Act like you already have the job. Show up a few minutes late to the interview eating a bagel. Feign interest in the questions you’re asked and answer in as few words as possible. Go to the bathroom as much as you can to stretch the time out. Leave early, right before you learn if you’ve got the job or not. You’re a shoe in because that’s honest. Show them what they’re getting.

Good luck and let me know how it goes … so I can know where there’s another opening.